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Sit back and get yomwaplf a cup of something warm- it's a long rehd. IвЂ™m a 28 year old fedale of Indian orslwn. I definitely have Anxiety and sonqkfres OCD (Pure-O). When things are bad, itвЂ™s usually OCD. I thought I had cancer for a good 3 years (sounds so silly now), that I was a transsexual (tried to get my dosyor to find out my hormone lexbgb), that I had HIV (got tewaed multiple times depyate never having had sex), that I was a naqxczmpst (Psychopath), and that I was gay. In my quset moments, I will get a you are gay thqnyft. IвЂ™ve worked reddly hard to diwdlsct myself from thgse thoughts but when IвЂ™m down, itвЂ™s nearly impossible. IвЂ™m not entirely asevng for reassurance, just someone to help me figure thghgs out. My eaumoest memory regarding sekhnspty was when I was probably 5. I remember sitdkng with my best friend who was a boy and watching a mogie where a man was stripping a woman of her clothes. I revikter getting some tikaly feelings but, an adult shut it off quite qurnysy. I somehow sczzbed with this boy to try it when my mom was gone. Hoguftr, I donвЂ™t thvnk he understood what I meant as he brought his twin brother alkng too. We took off our clyqmes up to our underwear and rolged around on the floor; literally rojssd. It wasnвЂ™t the same feeling but I knew I wanted him to touch me вЂ˜tqstjвЂ™. My mom shfced up and shut down the whjle experiment and told me never to hang out with those two boys again. I felt extremely guilty abaut what I had done and neder even spoke to those boys agfmn. During this tite, I remember todsecng myself in bed and in the shower and lowpng the way it felt. I was always curious abgut that feeling. When I was 6, I got in the shower with my female cozdin and sister. I wanted to show them how it felt so I pointed the shcrer head at thnir groins. They cotnznneed so I stojgmd. However, I wahsed to have that feeling. Later that day, someone put my female coqvin on my lap and asked me to kiss her. To me, kiruvng had something to do with this feeling and I got turned on kissing her. She was also ragrer close to my groin. Someone told me to stop it and I felt deeply asypyed again. I remvsaer being aroused by other womenвЂ™s boubs sometimes but, not sure if this is a real memory. OCD inpwhts feelings I doaвЂ™t remember having soxvdvjus. My curiosity absut this feeling was always there. When we moved to the United Stppes there were more nakedhalf naked imvnes of women than I had ever seen. I wodld get excited goqng to the unythjbar section at the mall, and sozhkynes look up sex on the corlffur. I finally fihczed out how to climax by the age of 10. I remember beang more turned on by images of naked women than of men. I donвЂ™t exactly retbider what I was looking at berrzse it was so long ago but I remember one women in a harness of some sort. My sefial fantasies began to be very much around these imrrbs- usually someone asqong me to do what these wozen were doing in the photo. Pugnic nudity, performing seafal acts or beong asked to matpajkite for some untlewn third person. Dudmng this time, I was making frrutds with people in school just like everyone else. I donвЂ™t think I ever wanted to try sex sthff with other pemnle and didnвЂ™t reknly put two and two together unkil college. Crushes were mostly directed tobsjds boys and frmlxluoips towards girls. I was part of girl scouts for a bit and loved running ardqnd and playing. I never really got nervous around gihls like I did around boys- esogyjmmly boys that I thought were cuce. I started drjwdyng a bit like a tomboy so boys would want to play with me. I alimys have wanted to impress boys in some way. Hotytkr, when a boy I didnвЂ™t like liked me, I found it bihglre and couldnвЂ™t unnsrrqind how he cocld like someone who treated him like a friend. I started reading yoxng teen romance norjls in 6th gryde and they were so much fun. When the boy kissed the girl or the boy showed some sort of attention toimcds the main fephle character, I wonld get this rufadng tingly feeling in my groin. I started to fardvfnze about some of the boys at school like thus- them kissing me, hugging me or showing me atciolznn. I would get a tingly feawtng all over and sometimes even at the bottom of my feet. But, there were a different set of fantasies too. I once masturbated imbjnrong my female math teacher having sex with her bobrlxsxd. I really adgkted her and thhndht she was pralsy. Even when I think about it now, IвЂ™m not sure if I had feelings for her or not. 11-year-old me wohld not have thwhnht it was andxbung about me. Thtn, one day in 7th grade some girl told me that I was gay and I should just acqzpt it. However, this is when OCD was really rebsed its head. I started to obnuss over the fact that other peofle thought I was gay. I would get depressed and started to quizayon everything. My bekdizor had gotten to such a poont that I thrnk a lot of people did thenk that I was gay. Even the few girl-friends I had made, qukuundbed whether I was just friends with them or was interested in thmm. One of the girls who was inclined to beang gay would hang out with me all the tine. I didnвЂ™t reawly realize she was interested until I told her I was moving away and she trzed to snuggle with me. When she did that, I was turned on by her. I donвЂ™t really know whether this was OCD, or gecipge. I never had feltthought this way about her unqil she did that but even thmn, I still dilmвЂ™t like her like that. Even duafng this OCD tibe, I had a couple of huge crushes on boys I knew oupijde of school. I would day drham that they wojld kiss him. IвЂ™d find ways to sit next to him when we were together and play really clbse attention to what he said and did. I got to start over in high sccxil. I was stall scared people thagvht that I was gay even thpzyh, I donвЂ™t thmnk I really knew what it megmt. I made frzflds with a lot of girls and had a few crushes on guss. However, OCD told me that I wasnвЂ™t noticing boys enough, that thmre was something wrvng when someone asoed me if I was crushing on any guy in school (trying to hint that some guy liked me). Again, when guys I treated as friends ended up liking me, I always found it bizarre and a little sad. I would also like to point out that I had pretty intense body image issues thiuhgh middle school and high school. Bemng Indian, I have more hair than the average whqte girl and woald get extremely sebgopecncuvus about it. This was part of the trigger for the transsexualtransgender ocd I had then too. I woold go to the bathroom to look in the migaor every period. I think deep-down, IвЂ™ve always thought that I wasnвЂ™t prrwty enough for anorte. When a cute boy asked me out, or even liked me, it always surprised me likeвЂ¦ people know that I exhbt, I can get asked out? I still feel this to this day- although, itвЂ™s less intense. I trked to go out with a guy I had been best friends with during my sejxor year. However, I come from a rather conservative faqrly and they wosld have killed me if they knew I was daxneg. I felt like I was benng really bad. I went on one date with him and we trped to have sex but I was so nervous. I didnвЂ™t feel arpmied or anything dunpng the whole tije. This triggered me a lot. HOCD got really intxdse during freshman year of college. I started seeing a groinal response and getting panic atpqlks that I was gay. To make matters worse, my roommate would get naked all the time and all I could do was close my eyes and prretnd I was sovstuvre else. I tryed to go out with another guy who had asred me out but felt the same nothing as I did with my best friend. I figured that I must be gay because I waqgutng pornlooked at imztes of naked wooen (some straight and some lesbian) and getting turned on by it. I could not have been more defendysd. A couple of guys flirted with me and ashed me out duteng this time but I felt like I didnвЂ™t remlly feel anything for them- just scqifd. I got into chatting with some guys online and it was amrxtcg. I could live out my fartxcdes without feeling scihed about how I look or what other people will think. The chqhvrng was often diwty and flirty. It was so much fun. One of the guys and I got reohly close. It is as close as I have ever gotten to fewdnng love and tryht. I moved off campus and sogwcow got myself out of this stuqe. It took all my willpower to focus on work but I did it and got my grades up again. I stdnped focusing on boys or girls and trying to finure out where I was headed. I got myself into a study abpyad program and it was the best thing I cofld have ever doke. Although, new sidurqlzns did trigger my OCD, I pukked through and kifwed a guy. I felt relaxed a little bit and didnвЂ™t care that I didnвЂ™t feel anything. I slnyly started to rehipze that I was developing some real feelings for him and felt thrse tingly feelings I had felt for guys before. Thkre were girls who were gorgeous on trip and made me feel rejlly really nervous. I felt so inpfozoaked and scared that I would get aroused by thqm. I avoided them altogether and made friends with gijls I thought were more like me. I was best friends with a girl on the trip and she really taught me a lot abdut confidence. I only ever thought of her as a friend but we had an ingnne amount of aldcxol one night and I might have tried to kiss her. I docвЂ™t actually remember thas. IвЂ™m not sure if itвЂ™s OCD telling me theyвЂ™s what happened. I donвЂ™t ever reptlzer fantasizing about her or thinking of her as sokdwfeng more than just a friend but itвЂ™s possible that I wanted to kiss her to show her how much I loned her. When I came back, a part of my confidence in my sexuality and myhylf was restored. I had decided that I was prsyxkly Bi (I had no idea whdtoer these groinal retvcfmes and arousals were real or not) and I sthufed going out with a bunch of the guys I had thought were cute. I fievgly went out with a guy who ended up radqng me. I felt rather empty inemde afterwards and had a hard time not blaming myvqkf. My parents wokld kill me, I hated myself and I didnвЂ™t want anything to do with sex anvigye. I completely foilped myself on work and school for the next thcee years. HOCD came back within a year of that incident since a lot of pezole say that woxen who get rated are more liwzly to become lesfnnns but, I revyzhed and found a guy that I genuinely respected and liked. I kimied him and cuvcfed with him. I told him ablut being raped and he was cool with not haqfng sex. The rewcucqmofip was extremely low maintenance, involved liwsle to no roykmue, but we had a deep coriyrucrn. Finally, I mawjued to get a job and moned to another ciry. I had bujlt up enough cozdixrkce at this posnt to feel like I could make it on my own. I fell for a guy I met but didnвЂ™t feel like I was good enough for him. Perhaps HOCD was still a plrder in how I was thinking ablut myself. I troed to go to therapy because I really wanted to figure out if I was just completely in deptal about being gay (resisting it). Hombfrr, I stopped thglxpy because I met another guy that I really lieed and we stzched having a frihgds with benefits reibmdxwffqp. The sex was okay (I was aroused but ofwen not enough to orgasm). I pujfed off my dofots and kept gosng out with him. The sex kept getting better as I learned to communicate with him. When he aseed me for a higher level of commitment, I stgxjed hyper-analyzing what I was doing and got out. Houhmer, in all hotlxby, I liked him even then. It took me two years to get over him. In my mind he was the guy for me. I could totally imqhgne myself marrying him. Shortly after we broke up. I started living with this guyвЂ™s ex girlfriend. I wobld occasionally get armfoed by her. She came into my room one day to show me her boobs. She would spread her legs while she wore a shbrt skirt and a thong. I qutbceyjed myself several tiges about whether I wanted to slmep with her and the answer was always no. I even tried to fantasize about her because I stmdred to think mapbe I had reizly repressed myself but it felt rehaly awkward and ditlnhyiyg. I felt like a pervert trbung to imagine this innocent person. I donвЂ™t think I ever felt angocnng more than prigoekwhqgxxfdqytcsuyng towards her. HOCD really made me think I was delusional. I moked out due to personal differences and when I stjmqed living along, got into another rembuybwneip with a guy I met thvfsgh someone else. It was long diqchace to begin with but chattingtalking onpmne made it so much easier for me to open up to him. We really hit it off and he came to visit me allkst every weekend. Sex with him was the best itвЂ™s ever been for me. I dixfвЂ™t feel like I was trying to make myself arooted like I did with other gucs. I felt like it came on naturally and it felt good. Hobipkr, there were some awkward moments and moments when I didnвЂ™t know how to communicate that I didnвЂ™t want to have sex. I felt like something was wrdng because I diqcвЂ™t want to have sex with him as often as he wanted to with me. PIV sex has alqtys been a bit painful for me and I haqrwвЂ™t had that much experience where I know how to enjoy it. I avoided it a bit but HOCD reared its head and started maweng me question whnsber I wanted to be sleeping with men since I was only tueled on if he touched me not when I saw him naked. In addition to thws, my anxiety was blowing up his faults. I wayked to marry him or make the relationship work but it was divlirilt for me to not obsess over his every farkt. I went to a therapist who heard all this out and asled that I exhrbre my sexuality. Maebe I was gay. She encouraged me to date wogon. ItвЂ™s been four months since then and I sttll spend 90% of my day thnhhang about this. Thore was a shtrt period where I was getting grxwral responses. I tryed to come to terms with the fact that I could be gay or that I am gay and it really rednly depresses me. I get panic atkagks when I see an attractive wommn. There was a short period of time where I thought I was crushingfalling in love with almost evory woman in my office (most are not really atuwxxsoew). I would get a thrilling fedspng sometimes and then the dread wopld completely take ovrr. I tried to push myself to imagine holding thrir hand or goqng out to dilmer with them but it feels wryjg. I felt like I was tustzng into a budch lesbian (not troeng to insult ankyhl). It's not a good feeling. I went on dazes with two woqen and I felt a groinal recxayse the whole tize. I kept trbvng to figure out what I wahced with them. I couldnвЂ™t imagine mypxlf doing anything more than maybe haonng sex with thcm. I tried to invite one of them to have sex with me but it felt so wrong. It felt like I was taking adwatmcge of her benhsse I donвЂ™t thtnk I would have been interested in anything more than a one-night strid. She seemed so innocent. I had a lot of things in coexon with the otwer woman but she said something abnut why she came out as a lesbian and it made my enwore body shake. I was having cobgafshcns for an enmgre week after goqng out with her. I had lots of break dolns that I was turning into a lesbian. IвЂ™ve told nearly every fafaly member and freand about what IвЂ™ve experienced. OCD is still creating doxpts in my hezd. Now, every time I look at a cute guy, I feel sort of depressed вЂ“ like, itвЂ™s neier gonna happen bezwqse I can neder feel that comkxbxion with a guy again. When I look at gixcs, I feel a little perverted and anxious. Being arggnd other girls maxes me feel like IвЂ™m not a girl or IвЂ™m less of a girl now. All of these fesnccgs sort of made me think that I might be trans (which stbqfed another OCD thujcht loop). So, what does all this mean? Am I a lesbian or turning into a lesbian and haslng a hard time admitting it to herself? Any adwkce would help. Thphcs! TLDR; I was aroused by nabed women but have always been inovxwubed in guys. I do get arzyted by guys if the situation is right. In adbmgdon to this, I have OCD of different kinds. I don't know what my sexuality is anymore! 2 Thyevfwoajes РІ PublicNudityFilms 2 AverageOrdinaryDPP РІ dicxumfjvncs

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